Jeans...The Enemy

Okay, jeans aren't the enemy, but jean sizes are.  I am a jeans girl.  I wear jeans nearly everyday.  Okay just typing that makes me think maybe I should expand my wardrobe, but that is beside the point.  Last weekend I went out by myself to just pick up a couple things at Target, but since I was alone (which rarely happens) I decided to take a couple minutes to see if I could find a new pair of jeans.  I was in desparate need.  You know when your jeans stretch out and they are absolutely huge on your butt and legs, mine were like that straight out of the dryer.  So it was time.  I was kind of excited to try on pants.  Something I am not usually excited to do.  So I picked out the jeans for curvy girls (I have a butt and hips for sure), as well as two other pairs.  All in the same size.  1 pair was plus size, the other 2 were regular women's size.  I stopped being able to buy jeans in the "regular" women's section years ago.  Like think high school.  I hated that fact, so I was excited to try on regular jeans.  First I tried on the plus size jeans, please tell me everyone else does that, you try on the pair you know will fit so you don't feel bad if the others don't.  Anyways the those fit fine, but were still lose in the butt.  So I tried on the curvy jeans, my legs looked like sausages.  It was bad.  So I went from being so excited to try these on to automatic, you are still fat feelings.  I did have hope though, while they made my legs look horrible, they did button and zip, so I decided to stop feeling bad about myself and try on the next pair of jeans.  Thankfully they were a different cut and the legs had more room and they fit!  I was beyond thrilled with myself.  I was wearing a regular size jeans and I could breathe!  And they made my butt look good!  As silly as it sounds, I'm rather proud of my butt.  It's big yes, but it's smaller and in better shape now than it was 6 months ago.  Optimism is key in weight loss.

I was happy to be in a smaller size jeans and I sit here in them now I am proud.  (Although if you saw me today you may say they still look tight which is the truth, but all my other jeans are too big, so it's a weird situation)  Anyways I am proud now, but I can't help but think how the one pair of jeans made me feel horrible about myself.  One pair of pants had made me go from being so excited to try on jeans, to it being the worst thing I had ever done.  This is why in the past I would buy jeans and try them on at home.  Somehow it isn't as hard to have them not fit at home.  It is a self esteem issue.  I don't consider myself to have low self esteem.  I was blessed to grow up with a family that told me I was beautiful no matter what and I have a husband who has loved me even at my heaviest.  But no matter how you grew up and who you surround yourself with now, those feels of insecurity still creep up at unexpected times.  

So what to do to make these feelings go away.  Well if you ever figure out how to permamently make that happen, please tell me.  But for now I think I will focus on the good.  Everytime I get on the scale, even if the number has gone up a pound or two, I think of where I was.  I remind myself of how much better I feel now and how much more I can do.  And I remind myself that I will do this I will lose the weight.   And as for those pesky jeans that don't fit, well for now I will remember the kind that does fit, and perhaps one day try on those others again.  But I'll remember to take a friend.  It's always good to have someone else there to tell you your butt looks good ;)

My new jeans. Not the greatest picutre.  Darn Dressing room lighting.