A new source of inspiration

So it is 3am, and I am up feeding Hank. It's a pretty normal thing around here, and the quietest time of day. So tonight I was looking over some of my older posts from last year and was surprised to learn that I can inspire myself. Okay that isn't meant to sound like I'm bragging or anything but I feel like it sounds weird. I saw a picture or myself at just a couple pounds lighter than I am now and just before I got pregnant again. It was a great picture for me to be reminded of for a few reasons.

1. It is me, not some skinny model or workout guru that I will never look like. So it is realistic. Looking at it I know I could get myself back to that point.

2. It reminded me of how I felt then. I felt great. I remember feeling good physically and mentally. I would wake up with energy, workout regularly, and eat good foods (for the most part). 

3. I am in the same clothes I wear now. It makes me feel good to know I am not far from that point. Now my body is different right now. I am still nursing and have a baby pouch that takes time to get rid of. Despite what Hollywood would have you believe. I remember I had worked hard to get that pouch gone before and will have to again.

4. I have done this before and can do it again. I have felt up and down about losing this extra weight again. Some days I am like of course you can do it, no big deal. Others I am like what is the point. Th point is I want to be healthy. I want my kids to see me healthy. I want to live a long life uninhibited by challenges I create for myself. I want to have high self confidence to show my girls. (No my self confidence is not directly tied to my weight, but I know where I will feel my best at.) 

So if you are looking for a new source of inspiration, maybe try yourself. Find a picture of yourself where you think you look great, and use that to inspire yourself. Remember how you felt then. Do be realistic. If your favorite pictures is before kids or a decade ago, remember that your body has changed and you have changed, so you may not be able to get exactly back to that point. 

And for those who are curious, I am still 4-5lbs above my prebaby weight. I have been around the same numbers now for about 2 months. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little frustrating, but I know that right now it is due to a lot of factors and I have to try to keep it in perspective with my life right now. I have found that working out may not be taking off the pounds super quickly right now, but it is helping reshape my body again to get it back where I like it :) 

2 years later...

It is hard to believe but it has been 2 years since I made the decision to start getting healthy and actually take it seriously. I honestly thought by this point I would be tired of it wanting to return to old unhealthy habits, and while at times I find I wigs I could pig out in chocolate and junk food, my body actually craves vegetables and fruit. My body tells me when I need to hold off in the dessert and have a salad. And I actually want to workout and be active. I almost didn't know what to do with the fact that my body longed to run. 2 years ago I would have thought I was crazy for wanting to run. Now it is something I had thought about and wanted to do for weeks. Thankfully I was finally able to start again. 

My body is different now. How I view food and exercise is different. It has taken a mental shift to get myself to this point. I was nervous that having another baby would set back my progress, and while it has delayed any additional weightioss, it has also helped me see how important this is to me. It has forced me to really be serious about setting up workout times and sticking to it. It helped me see that even in tough circumstances I could find the time to be healthy. It also brought us little Hank, so no complaints there. 

I am proud of myself for coming so far in two years and changing so much, while still being to be part of the real world and being a good mommy and wife. At the end of the day those are the things most important. My kids are the reason I wanted to make these changes and if I can't be a good mom for them, none of this would matter. 

Balance

So, it's been quite a while since I last wrote a blog. Forgive me for that. But honestly I've been busy. Baby Henry "Hank" was born Nov 4. And while it's only been 3 months it feels like he's been around for much longer. On top of an infant I've has the regular care of our girls, and Coming home from deployment, moving back to Sam Diego, and Thanksgiving and Christmas. All those are in a jumbles order, but they did happen. The busyness has led to needing to put some things to the side for a bit and unfortunately blogging was one of those things. But I am going to try to be back at it. 

It's all balancing act right now it seems. And I quite frankly don't have the balancing all together. Learning to balance 3 kids, a husband, a new house, and myself has been a challenge. All of my kids deserve my attention but at times I just can't devote 100% of my attention to one child. So I have to figure out how to nurse Hank and take care of the big girls. It's a lot of "I will play a bit later" or "when I am done with Hank". No mom likes to do that, but we have to at times. Then once they are in bed there has to be a balance of taking care of me, by working out, and taking care of my husband by spending time together without children yelling for us. 

With all the balancing of people then I get t try to figure out the balance of how much food to eat so I can lose the baby weight, but still be able to breastfeed and workout. Ugh. It's just a jumbled mess some days.

But I wouldn't change it. Because I love it. So I will start attempting to update you on how the weight loss and daily life balance is going. Do forgive me though, many posts, like this one will probably happen during middle of the night feedings, so I can't promise they will always make sense. 

And here is a shameless picture of my babies because they are adorable :) 

Not the only mom...

Okay so it's been a while.  Sorry about that.  When I say a while I just realized that means almost 3 months since I have written a blog.  Or posted one at least.  So hopefully this will update you a little.  

We are on the countdown to baby boy.  I am 38 weeks and have had a pretty easy pregnancy again.  I am blessed to not have complications during my pregnancies, so far and have a really great doctor.  I have gained weight of course, which worried for me about the first 30 weeks.  Not kidding.  But I have come to realize it is the reality of pregnancy and my body needs more.  So I let go of feeling bad about any weight gain and have embraced it.  Currently I am up 30lbs, which is within normal for a pregnancy, so I am not concerned.  The doctor has never shown concern either, so I think we are good :)  I did what is probably my last workout last night, after having gone a week without I was going a little crazy, so I decided to hop on the bike last night.  While I felt better afterwards, I fully admit to being sore today.  

I have to confess too, that I am beginning to get very nervous about having a third baby.  Don't get wrong I am beyond excited too, but the realities of a third child under 4 are starting to set in.  I am extremely thankful to be with my parents until Steven comes home, because I honestly don't know how I would do it alone.  I know I would figure it out even if I weren't here, but knowing that I have help is definitely a relief.  

One thing that is helping me right now is a book I just started reading.  When I say just, I mean I just started it today.  I've read 1 chapter.  But I really like that first chapter.  It's called No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage.  I just finished a devotional of hers called Real Moms, Real Jesus, which I would highly recommend.  But anyways, this first chapter really hit home for me.  It talks about how we have to let go of the idea of being a perfect Mom and realize we are not alone in our imperfection.  She created a list of things that you are not alone it.  Some of my favorites are:

        "You are not the only mom who yelled at your children today."

        "You are not the only mom who constantly battles a weight issue."

        "You are not the only mom who is critical of her husband."

        "You are not the only mom who who can't seem to keep up with the laundry and the house."

        "You are not the only mom who sometimes wants to run away."

Her whole list is much longer.  I have read blogs like this before, but I never tire of them.  Because the truth is I do forget I'm not alone.  I look at the other moms at the store, at church, on pinterest, or on facebook and see everything all together and sometimes think why am I not like that??  But the truth is we all have our imperfect parts.  Every mom has her imperfections.  We all fall short at being able to do it all.  We all get frustrated and angry and upset.  Don't be fooled you are not alone.  

So here are my additions to the "You are not the only mom" list.

      You are not the only mom who has turned on cartoons so you can have a little quiet.

      You are not the only mom who has faked having to pee, so you can have 2 minutes to yourself.

      You are not the only mom who has sat in the bathroom crying because you just need it.

      You are not the only mom who has been in tears because you can't make the baby stop crying.

      You are not the only mom who wonders if she has enough to give to her children.

      You are not the only mom who has served hot dogs, chicken nuggets, or pancakes for dinner multiple nights in a row because you just want your child to eat.

      You are not the only mom who has left a cart full of groceries because your child is throwing a fit.

      You are not the only mom who wrestled a screaming toddler into a car seat because you wouldn't give in.

      You are not the only mom who has let their kids play too much iPad or video games because it's not worth the fight some days.

     You are not the only mom who doesn't want to read the same book for the twentieth time today.

     You are not the only mom who to promise a cookie if they will just eat the broccoli.

     You are not the only mom to look in the mirror and wonder where your old self went.

     You are not the only mom who wants a vacation, alone.

     You are not the only mom who has left the house with spit up on shirt, sometimes knowingly.

     You are not the only mom to oount the hours till bedtime.

     You are not the only mom to breathe a sigh of relief when the kids are in bed.  

     You are not the only mom to wonder how you will make it through tomorrow.

     You are not the only mom to promise a tummy ache will go away if the child will just go to sleep.

     You are not the only mom to feel like you have no idea what you are doing.  The truth that I haev discovered in my three years as a mom and from talking to other moms and dads, is that no parent knows what they are doing.  No parent gets it right every time.  We are all just faking our great knowledge with our kids some days.  Even those really great parents you see who have seemingly perfect children who are always behaved and in line will, when honest with you, tell you that is not how it always is.  Life is messy and so are kids.  

You are not alone in your frustration and hard times as a mom.  I promise.    

   

A Long Overdue Update and Reality Check

Well it has been quite a while since I have posted anything.  There are several reasons behind this, so let me start with an update as to where we are now.  Steven is currently deployed.  Things are going as well as they can be, I guess.  Not really sure how you rate how a deployment is going.  As long as the days continue to go by quickly it's good for me.  Right after Steven deployed I began the packing and moving process.  Most of our things are in a storage unit in San Diego and the girls and I are living in Indiana with my parents.  Things are going well.  It has been a definite time of transition for all of us, but we are trying to take in all in stride.  My pregnancy is going well.  I am 25+ weeks and feeling good.  Life has been busy.  And learning to handle everything without Steven here has been tough, but doable.  Having my parents and family around is definitely a blessing.  

So I can say that the busyness of life is why I haven't written in a while.  I could pretend that it was all just too much so I hadn't thought about blogging in a couple months, but honestly, that would be a lie.  I have thought about it a lot.  I often come up with topics and think of things to write, but then just don't.  

So here is the truth.  Here is what I am sure some of the people closest to me know and what I have come to accept.  While my pregnancy is going great, and I have a healthy baby boy growing inside me, I have been dealing with a lot mentally with this pregnancy.  Yes Steven leaving and handling the girls on my own has been hard, but that is not it.  My blog up until my pregnancy had been about my weight loss journey and trying to encourage people to try it for themselves to get healthy and lead a healthy life.  But once I got pregnant I didn't know how to do that anymore without thinking about my own weight gain.  

Clearly being pregnant I have gained weight.  It is inevitable for most women when you get pregnant you are going to gain at least 25lbs.  Some more, some less, and it all depends on a lot of factors.  This being my third pregnancy in 4 years I was well aware of the weight gain reality.  But when you have been losing weight for so long, seeing the numbers on the scale go up, even if for a good and right reason, is hard.  It is a challenge to look at the weight on the scale and not think "Where would I be if I weren't pregnant?"  Please by no means take this as me being unhappy with being pregnant or not wanting this baby.  I am ecstatic to be adding to our family and we always knew we would try for another child, so I knew I would gain weight.  But no one can prepare you for the mental challenges that can stem from pregnancy.  For me, it has been my weight.  For me seeing the numbers fluxuate up and down has been hard.  I have gained 18-20lbs, which is normal for where I am at.  My doctor is by no means concerned about it.  But that doesn't mean that I'm not.  I still think about calories in and out.  I still have the weight loss mind set, some days more than others.  I still workout 4-5 days a week, in a less intense form.  That is more than a lot of not pregnant people do, so I am proud of that.  I can honestly say I am still in better shape now than I was before I lost the weight, which is great.  But that doesn't mean that at times the numbers don't make me nervous.  If you have never struggled with weight issues this may seem silly to you.  You may not understand.  But I think most people, particularly women, but also men, have at some point had struggles with weight and body image.  So going from the point where I was finally feeling really great about how I was looking and feeling, to being pregnant and putting on weight has been tough.  

There are times when I think, "Well I lost 115lbs before and I hadn't just had a baby, certainly I will be able to take off the 30 or so pounds of baby weight no problem."  And then there are those days when I think "What if I can't do it again?  What if that one time was it for me and I go back to how I was before?"    I don't think I could get back to where I was.  Honestly I have come to enjoy good for you food and exercise too much to go back completely, but there is a good chance it will be harder to do this time.  That I won't bounce back as quickly as I'd like.  Because let's be honest, what women wouldn't like to have a baby and walk out of the hospital with her prebaby jeans on the next day?  Reality is there are very few women that do that. So I will set a realistic time frame for myself to really get back into it and really lose the weight, but I know it will be tough.  

You may think I am crazy, but I still weigh myself, almost everyday.  I have been doing it for over a year now, so it's almost force of habit, but it is also good for me.  I know it sounds weird that weighing yourself daily could be good for you, but let me explain.  I some days crave horrible for me food.  Food that is full of empty calories and will end up just making me feel yucky and gross.  And there are days I cave to that.  And that's okay.  Having those days every once in a while even when not pregnant is fine.  But I've had days where it has happened over and over.  And those are the times that I need a reality check.  Those are the times when I need to get on the scale and say, Oh I have gained a few pounds in a few days and that is just not healthy.  So it gives me a little kick in the butt to eat healthy and remember that I want Baby Boy to be eating the right foods too.  I do not get down on myself about it though.  Or I try not.  

So hopefully putting this out there will help me get back into blogging.  It still may be different for a while.  Well at least for another 14 or so weeks until baby boy comes.   After that we will deal with a whole different battle.  Weight loss post baby while breastfeeding, and no working out except walking for 6 weeks.  Yes even now 6 weeks without working out seems like a long time...

Oh and just for fun thought I'd throw in a picture of my baby belly today :)

Indiana here we come....

So now that's it's been out there that I am pregnant again, it's probably time for me to put it out there that the girls and I will be moving to Indiana for most of Steven's deployment. It was a really hard decision to make. I talked to many people about it and ultimately we decided for my sanity and the girls it would be best if I had more help. It also gives the girls a chance to spend more time with family and friends in Fort Wayne. I am excited for the move, and feeling semi ready for all the things I have to do before we leave. We will see how it all goes though.

I will admit I have felt Since making this decision I had to justify it to people. Like I needed to justify my weakness for needing my parents. But the truth is I don't have to justify this with anyone. I am not a weaker military wife for recognizing my need for help. I am a mom wanting to do the best thing for my kids. And right now this is best for our kids. We still have a little time before we leave and even less time before Steven leaves. So we are enjoying our time in the lovely San Diego weather for now.

As far as the rest of our lives, things are going well. Steven recently had 10 days of leave and we were able to enjoy time together having fun and getting things done. It was a busy busy leave time, but so much fun. Steven will leave soon and I will somehow learn to do this deployment thing with kids. This will be our 3rd deployment since we got married, but our first with kids, so quite a bit different this time. Thankfully kids are resilient and we have technology on our side. I know our family will thrive through this. Let's just hope Murphy's Law doesn't hit too hard in the first month. (For those who don't know it seems inevitable that every time a spouse goes on deployment bad things happen. Maybe not always big things, but a flat tire, an overflowing toilet, sick kid, something happens unexpectedly that just seems ten times worse because you don't have the one person you really want around to help.)

We've had a secret!

So we have been keeping a secret, which is why my blog has been very lacking lately. It is a good secret, but when it comes to weight loss, not so much helpful. I am pregnant again! We found out at the end of February that I am expecting our third child in November. We are thrilled to be having our third child and it has provided a whole new challenge to my healthily lifestyle.

First thing that had to happen was me stopping the Insanity workout program I was in the middle of. I will admit, I was a little sad when I had to do this. I have an intense love/hate relationship with Insanity and of course instantly when you are told you can no longer do something you instantly want to even more. But I did stop. I didn't know exactly what I could and couldn't do exercise wise while pregnant, but I did know that I could not feel like I was going to exercise to the point of passing out. Since then I have learned more about what exercises are good and not.

Next I had to start eating more. Normally when you are pregnant you don't actually have to incresase how much eat by very much in the beginning. But I was eating to lose weight, so I had to up my eating more than normal. My goal in the beginning was to just keep my weight the same. It was pretty easy to up my eating, and not the worst thing in the world to have to do. It has been a bit of a challenge though to get on the scale and not see the decreasing numbers. In the beginning I actually did still lose a couple pounds, putting me at my lowest weight thus far 165lbs. 115lbs down from where I started over a year ago. I kept my weight steady there for a while, but eventually did start to gain the little bit I had taken off.

I had to start dealing with the mental shift in gaining weight. I have not gained much, from where I was when I found out I am pregnant I am only up 1-1/2 lbs actually. But also there is a change in your body when you are pregnant. It seemed my tummy instantly went soft. I didn't really know that I had been forming abs and tightening my tummy quite a bit, but as it turns out I was and all the sudden all the firming up was gone it seemed. It was tough to make the mental shift to accepting that this is good for my body. This is what is suppose to happen. Baby is growing and so am I.

Now please don't get me wrong, I am very happy to be pregnant again. We are ecstatic to meet our new son or daughter and grow our family. We are blessed to be able to get pregnant and while I have morning sickness on and off all day I have had a very easy pregnancy so far. But I have had some challenges this time I didn't with my first 2 pregnancies. I didn't care then how much weight I gained, or how much I was eating or if I was getting in exercise. It just wasn't part of my life like it is now. It been a shift for me. And I am enjoying it and taking it all in and trying to stay healthy all at the same time. I will admit though it is nice to have that extra little helping at dinner and bit of ice cream and not worry if it is going to set back my weight loss.

So my blog will change for a bit. No more weight loss, but now more healthy eating and learning how to control my cravings and stay healthy for our baby. Oh and we have lots of other big changes coming. A deployment, temporary move, preschool, a new baby, and another move. The rest of 2013 will be busy!