A Long Overdue Update and Reality Check

Well it has been quite a while since I have posted anything.  There are several reasons behind this, so let me start with an update as to where we are now.  Steven is currently deployed.  Things are going as well as they can be, I guess.  Not really sure how you rate how a deployment is going.  As long as the days continue to go by quickly it's good for me.  Right after Steven deployed I began the packing and moving process.  Most of our things are in a storage unit in San Diego and the girls and I are living in Indiana with my parents.  Things are going well.  It has been a definite time of transition for all of us, but we are trying to take in all in stride.  My pregnancy is going well.  I am 25+ weeks and feeling good.  Life has been busy.  And learning to handle everything without Steven here has been tough, but doable.  Having my parents and family around is definitely a blessing.  

So I can say that the busyness of life is why I haven't written in a while.  I could pretend that it was all just too much so I hadn't thought about blogging in a couple months, but honestly, that would be a lie.  I have thought about it a lot.  I often come up with topics and think of things to write, but then just don't.  

So here is the truth.  Here is what I am sure some of the people closest to me know and what I have come to accept.  While my pregnancy is going great, and I have a healthy baby boy growing inside me, I have been dealing with a lot mentally with this pregnancy.  Yes Steven leaving and handling the girls on my own has been hard, but that is not it.  My blog up until my pregnancy had been about my weight loss journey and trying to encourage people to try it for themselves to get healthy and lead a healthy life.  But once I got pregnant I didn't know how to do that anymore without thinking about my own weight gain.  

Clearly being pregnant I have gained weight.  It is inevitable for most women when you get pregnant you are going to gain at least 25lbs.  Some more, some less, and it all depends on a lot of factors.  This being my third pregnancy in 4 years I was well aware of the weight gain reality.  But when you have been losing weight for so long, seeing the numbers on the scale go up, even if for a good and right reason, is hard.  It is a challenge to look at the weight on the scale and not think "Where would I be if I weren't pregnant?"  Please by no means take this as me being unhappy with being pregnant or not wanting this baby.  I am ecstatic to be adding to our family and we always knew we would try for another child, so I knew I would gain weight.  But no one can prepare you for the mental challenges that can stem from pregnancy.  For me, it has been my weight.  For me seeing the numbers fluxuate up and down has been hard.  I have gained 18-20lbs, which is normal for where I am at.  My doctor is by no means concerned about it.  But that doesn't mean that I'm not.  I still think about calories in and out.  I still have the weight loss mind set, some days more than others.  I still workout 4-5 days a week, in a less intense form.  That is more than a lot of not pregnant people do, so I am proud of that.  I can honestly say I am still in better shape now than I was before I lost the weight, which is great.  But that doesn't mean that at times the numbers don't make me nervous.  If you have never struggled with weight issues this may seem silly to you.  You may not understand.  But I think most people, particularly women, but also men, have at some point had struggles with weight and body image.  So going from the point where I was finally feeling really great about how I was looking and feeling, to being pregnant and putting on weight has been tough.  

There are times when I think, "Well I lost 115lbs before and I hadn't just had a baby, certainly I will be able to take off the 30 or so pounds of baby weight no problem."  And then there are those days when I think "What if I can't do it again?  What if that one time was it for me and I go back to how I was before?"    I don't think I could get back to where I was.  Honestly I have come to enjoy good for you food and exercise too much to go back completely, but there is a good chance it will be harder to do this time.  That I won't bounce back as quickly as I'd like.  Because let's be honest, what women wouldn't like to have a baby and walk out of the hospital with her prebaby jeans on the next day?  Reality is there are very few women that do that. So I will set a realistic time frame for myself to really get back into it and really lose the weight, but I know it will be tough.  

You may think I am crazy, but I still weigh myself, almost everyday.  I have been doing it for over a year now, so it's almost force of habit, but it is also good for me.  I know it sounds weird that weighing yourself daily could be good for you, but let me explain.  I some days crave horrible for me food.  Food that is full of empty calories and will end up just making me feel yucky and gross.  And there are days I cave to that.  And that's okay.  Having those days every once in a while even when not pregnant is fine.  But I've had days where it has happened over and over.  And those are the times that I need a reality check.  Those are the times when I need to get on the scale and say, Oh I have gained a few pounds in a few days and that is just not healthy.  So it gives me a little kick in the butt to eat healthy and remember that I want Baby Boy to be eating the right foods too.  I do not get down on myself about it though.  Or I try not.  

So hopefully putting this out there will help me get back into blogging.  It still may be different for a while.  Well at least for another 14 or so weeks until baby boy comes.   After that we will deal with a whole different battle.  Weight loss post baby while breastfeeding, and no working out except walking for 6 weeks.  Yes even now 6 weeks without working out seems like a long time...

Oh and just for fun thought I'd throw in a picture of my baby belly today :)