2am

2am is a time I see more often than I like. And while I understand that one day I will miss the middle of the night snuggles and quiet time, tonight is not that night. Tonight I am tired. Tonight I just want sleep. Tonight all I can think about is how is want to sleep. But alas, Mr Hank has decided that he wants to hang out for a while (usually a couple hours or he will sleep for an hour then be up for half hour, both resulting in little sleep for momma). 

So what do you do in the middle of the night when any reasonable person knows you should be asleep? Here are some suggestions.

*Check Facebook. Read every blog and article people post that looks relatively interesting and then wonder why more people don't update their status at 2am. Those wimps sleeping their night away when I need status updates and new memes to laugh at.

*Do some pinning on Pinterst and make plans for all the new projects and recipes you are going to try. In the morning you will have completely forgotten about them or you will be so tired trying something new sounds ridiculous. Ahhhh my project board will eventually get worked on...

*Pray. I have no funny quips, but do find myself praying every night that Hank will sleep, and that I will be able to handle my tired the next day. By the way this works. While I may get little sleep I actually do still have energy the next day to get up and do life with 3 kids under 4. 

*go through your photos and delete the bad ones or the ones your 2 year old took earlier in the day. How in the world Brynn can manage to get my phone and take 73 photos without me knowing is baffling?!?!

*Watch TV. Honestly I am too lazy to go downstairs and don't want to wake Steven, so I usually don't do this. Plus I am always hopeful he will go back to sleep in just 5 more minutes and I don't want to be far from the crib. 

*Write a blog about weird stuff that you will need to reread in the daylight before posting to check for sanity levels and spelling errors.

*Realize that whining about no sleep isn't cool and you need to buck up! I got this! 

My first Dietbet

About a month ago I signed up to do a Dietbet. For those unfamiliar (this was my first) you bet money that you can lose whatever amount of weight in the set period of time. If you lose the weight you get your money back and then split the money the ones who didn't make their weight with the other winners. This one was lose 4% of your body weight, so just over 7lbs in my case, in 4 weeks. It didn't seem too hard. 

I will admit in the first couple weeks I didn't really change my eating, but did start working out. As the month progressed I was not seeing the weight drop off like I needed it to though. So the last 2 weeks I had to really put in the effort. I started cutting out some of the crappy snack food I was eating and adding more veggies and fruit. I also decided to make working out more of a priority, which helped tremendously. For me, when I know I am going to workout that day, I tend to make better eating choices. I don't want to ruin my good habit by eating poorly. 

I am pleased to say I won the Dietbet. I actually lost 8lbs :) and I am feeling better and healthier. My biggest goal of this wasn't necessarily to lose the weight (although the idea of losing money was not appealing), but rather to kick my butt into gear and remind myself I can in fact achieve my goals. My next goal is to get under my prebaby weight by the end of March! I am just 3lbs away, so I am confident I can do it :) 

This is my before and after this month. You can start to see my curves again! (Ignore the unmade bed)

New Challenges

*This blog is dedicated to Betsy, who directed Hank to wake up for a long time, so I would write a blog. Wish granted. Now can you tell him to sleep the rest of the night? 

So today we went to a birthday party for a very special and adorable little man who turned 1. It meant us driving a couple hours north closer to LA. When you don't have kids driving a couple hours seems like nothing, but when you do, well it requires a big bag with snacks, changes if clothes, toys for entertainment, and several rounds of no we aren't quite there yet. Our kids actually did way better than we thought they would on the car ride there and back. 2 years ago when Brynn was about Hank's age, we never would have gone. Not because we didn't want to, but because we thought it would be hard, or the kids would cry in the car or someone would have an accident. Lame I know. So that made me start thinking on the way back about the things that I do now, or want to do now, that I didn't in the past. 

There are different reasons I didn't used to do things or even attempt and some are valid, but others, not so much. 

For example, I have not bungee jumped. Reason: No part of me wants to at all. At all. Zero. I feel this is valid. 

There are things in life I just plain don't want to do, and honestly feel that it is either better that I don't do them at all or will not effect me. So my not wanting to do it is fine. Now I also don't want to put the dishes away, but this would lead to a whole pile of dishes in the sink that would drive me nuts and then I'd be on edge with everyone and cranky. So although I may not want to, it is in the best interest of everyone if I suck it up and put the dishes away. 

Other things I actually have wanted to do, but decided I had an excuse not to. For example I have been wanting to run a 5k. But I haven't, why? I didn't want to put in the work to be able to do it, because I was afraid of failing. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it. Isn't that lame? I think there are things we all decide not to do out fear of failure. That fear was part of the reason it took me so long to start losing weight, but once I decided I was stronger than that fear, and actually took it head on, I got past it. 

So I am going to challenge myself to do more things I may have put off doing or would have been to scared to do. I am working on a list of things, but a few things are running a 5k (actually running the whole thing), doing a Spartan race (Steven and I hope to do this together next year), and stepping out to meet new people. 

The meeting new people and stepping out is something Steven and I have both been working on. When I was in Indiana my parents and I took the girls to church nearly every week and that helped us see how important it is to us that the kids grow up in the church. So we found a church we like here and both of us have joined life groups to help us meet new people and get out a bit more. Now that I think about it, I think I was scared to meet new people too. Scared they wouldn't like me or accept me, or they would judge me. But the truth is, I genuinely believe that most people (yes there are some bad apples out there) want to like the people they meet. Most people want to make friends and be kind. 

So I will work on my list of things I want to do that I had too many excuses for in the past. Hopefully I can start challenging myself. 

A new source of inspiration

So it is 3am, and I am up feeding Hank. It's a pretty normal thing around here, and the quietest time of day. So tonight I was looking over some of my older posts from last year and was surprised to learn that I can inspire myself. Okay that isn't meant to sound like I'm bragging or anything but I feel like it sounds weird. I saw a picture or myself at just a couple pounds lighter than I am now and just before I got pregnant again. It was a great picture for me to be reminded of for a few reasons.

1. It is me, not some skinny model or workout guru that I will never look like. So it is realistic. Looking at it I know I could get myself back to that point.

2. It reminded me of how I felt then. I felt great. I remember feeling good physically and mentally. I would wake up with energy, workout regularly, and eat good foods (for the most part). 

3. I am in the same clothes I wear now. It makes me feel good to know I am not far from that point. Now my body is different right now. I am still nursing and have a baby pouch that takes time to get rid of. Despite what Hollywood would have you believe. I remember I had worked hard to get that pouch gone before and will have to again.

4. I have done this before and can do it again. I have felt up and down about losing this extra weight again. Some days I am like of course you can do it, no big deal. Others I am like what is the point. Th point is I want to be healthy. I want my kids to see me healthy. I want to live a long life uninhibited by challenges I create for myself. I want to have high self confidence to show my girls. (No my self confidence is not directly tied to my weight, but I know where I will feel my best at.) 

So if you are looking for a new source of inspiration, maybe try yourself. Find a picture of yourself where you think you look great, and use that to inspire yourself. Remember how you felt then. Do be realistic. If your favorite pictures is before kids or a decade ago, remember that your body has changed and you have changed, so you may not be able to get exactly back to that point. 

And for those who are curious, I am still 4-5lbs above my prebaby weight. I have been around the same numbers now for about 2 months. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little frustrating, but I know that right now it is due to a lot of factors and I have to try to keep it in perspective with my life right now. I have found that working out may not be taking off the pounds super quickly right now, but it is helping reshape my body again to get it back where I like it :) 

2 years later...

It is hard to believe but it has been 2 years since I made the decision to start getting healthy and actually take it seriously. I honestly thought by this point I would be tired of it wanting to return to old unhealthy habits, and while at times I find I wigs I could pig out in chocolate and junk food, my body actually craves vegetables and fruit. My body tells me when I need to hold off in the dessert and have a salad. And I actually want to workout and be active. I almost didn't know what to do with the fact that my body longed to run. 2 years ago I would have thought I was crazy for wanting to run. Now it is something I had thought about and wanted to do for weeks. Thankfully I was finally able to start again. 

My body is different now. How I view food and exercise is different. It has taken a mental shift to get myself to this point. I was nervous that having another baby would set back my progress, and while it has delayed any additional weightioss, it has also helped me see how important this is to me. It has forced me to really be serious about setting up workout times and sticking to it. It helped me see that even in tough circumstances I could find the time to be healthy. It also brought us little Hank, so no complaints there. 

I am proud of myself for coming so far in two years and changing so much, while still being to be part of the real world and being a good mommy and wife. At the end of the day those are the things most important. My kids are the reason I wanted to make these changes and if I can't be a good mom for them, none of this would matter. 

Balance

So, it's been quite a while since I last wrote a blog. Forgive me for that. But honestly I've been busy. Baby Henry "Hank" was born Nov 4. And while it's only been 3 months it feels like he's been around for much longer. On top of an infant I've has the regular care of our girls, and Coming home from deployment, moving back to Sam Diego, and Thanksgiving and Christmas. All those are in a jumbles order, but they did happen. The busyness has led to needing to put some things to the side for a bit and unfortunately blogging was one of those things. But I am going to try to be back at it. 

It's all balancing act right now it seems. And I quite frankly don't have the balancing all together. Learning to balance 3 kids, a husband, a new house, and myself has been a challenge. All of my kids deserve my attention but at times I just can't devote 100% of my attention to one child. So I have to figure out how to nurse Hank and take care of the big girls. It's a lot of "I will play a bit later" or "when I am done with Hank". No mom likes to do that, but we have to at times. Then once they are in bed there has to be a balance of taking care of me, by working out, and taking care of my husband by spending time together without children yelling for us. 

With all the balancing of people then I get t try to figure out the balance of how much food to eat so I can lose the baby weight, but still be able to breastfeed and workout. Ugh. It's just a jumbled mess some days.

But I wouldn't change it. Because I love it. So I will start attempting to update you on how the weight loss and daily life balance is going. Do forgive me though, many posts, like this one will probably happen during middle of the night feedings, so I can't promise they will always make sense. 

And here is a shameless picture of my babies because they are adorable :) 

Not the only mom...

Okay so it's been a while.  Sorry about that.  When I say a while I just realized that means almost 3 months since I have written a blog.  Or posted one at least.  So hopefully this will update you a little.  

We are on the countdown to baby boy.  I am 38 weeks and have had a pretty easy pregnancy again.  I am blessed to not have complications during my pregnancies, so far and have a really great doctor.  I have gained weight of course, which worried for me about the first 30 weeks.  Not kidding.  But I have come to realize it is the reality of pregnancy and my body needs more.  So I let go of feeling bad about any weight gain and have embraced it.  Currently I am up 30lbs, which is within normal for a pregnancy, so I am not concerned.  The doctor has never shown concern either, so I think we are good :)  I did what is probably my last workout last night, after having gone a week without I was going a little crazy, so I decided to hop on the bike last night.  While I felt better afterwards, I fully admit to being sore today.  

I have to confess too, that I am beginning to get very nervous about having a third baby.  Don't get wrong I am beyond excited too, but the realities of a third child under 4 are starting to set in.  I am extremely thankful to be with my parents until Steven comes home, because I honestly don't know how I would do it alone.  I know I would figure it out even if I weren't here, but knowing that I have help is definitely a relief.  

One thing that is helping me right now is a book I just started reading.  When I say just, I mean I just started it today.  I've read 1 chapter.  But I really like that first chapter.  It's called No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage.  I just finished a devotional of hers called Real Moms, Real Jesus, which I would highly recommend.  But anyways, this first chapter really hit home for me.  It talks about how we have to let go of the idea of being a perfect Mom and realize we are not alone in our imperfection.  She created a list of things that you are not alone it.  Some of my favorites are:

        "You are not the only mom who yelled at your children today."

        "You are not the only mom who constantly battles a weight issue."

        "You are not the only mom who is critical of her husband."

        "You are not the only mom who who can't seem to keep up with the laundry and the house."

        "You are not the only mom who sometimes wants to run away."

Her whole list is much longer.  I have read blogs like this before, but I never tire of them.  Because the truth is I do forget I'm not alone.  I look at the other moms at the store, at church, on pinterest, or on facebook and see everything all together and sometimes think why am I not like that??  But the truth is we all have our imperfect parts.  Every mom has her imperfections.  We all fall short at being able to do it all.  We all get frustrated and angry and upset.  Don't be fooled you are not alone.  

So here are my additions to the "You are not the only mom" list.

      You are not the only mom who has turned on cartoons so you can have a little quiet.

      You are not the only mom who has faked having to pee, so you can have 2 minutes to yourself.

      You are not the only mom who has sat in the bathroom crying because you just need it.

      You are not the only mom who has been in tears because you can't make the baby stop crying.

      You are not the only mom who wonders if she has enough to give to her children.

      You are not the only mom who has served hot dogs, chicken nuggets, or pancakes for dinner multiple nights in a row because you just want your child to eat.

      You are not the only mom who has left a cart full of groceries because your child is throwing a fit.

      You are not the only mom who wrestled a screaming toddler into a car seat because you wouldn't give in.

      You are not the only mom who has let their kids play too much iPad or video games because it's not worth the fight some days.

     You are not the only mom who doesn't want to read the same book for the twentieth time today.

     You are not the only mom who to promise a cookie if they will just eat the broccoli.

     You are not the only mom to look in the mirror and wonder where your old self went.

     You are not the only mom who wants a vacation, alone.

     You are not the only mom who has left the house with spit up on shirt, sometimes knowingly.

     You are not the only mom to oount the hours till bedtime.

     You are not the only mom to breathe a sigh of relief when the kids are in bed.  

     You are not the only mom to wonder how you will make it through tomorrow.

     You are not the only mom to promise a tummy ache will go away if the child will just go to sleep.

     You are not the only mom to feel like you have no idea what you are doing.  The truth that I haev discovered in my three years as a mom and from talking to other moms and dads, is that no parent knows what they are doing.  No parent gets it right every time.  We are all just faking our great knowledge with our kids some days.  Even those really great parents you see who have seemingly perfect children who are always behaved and in line will, when honest with you, tell you that is not how it always is.  Life is messy and so are kids.  

You are not alone in your frustration and hard times as a mom.  I promise.