Not the only mom...

Okay so it's been a while.  Sorry about that.  When I say a while I just realized that means almost 3 months since I have written a blog.  Or posted one at least.  So hopefully this will update you a little.  

We are on the countdown to baby boy.  I am 38 weeks and have had a pretty easy pregnancy again.  I am blessed to not have complications during my pregnancies, so far and have a really great doctor.  I have gained weight of course, which worried for me about the first 30 weeks.  Not kidding.  But I have come to realize it is the reality of pregnancy and my body needs more.  So I let go of feeling bad about any weight gain and have embraced it.  Currently I am up 30lbs, which is within normal for a pregnancy, so I am not concerned.  The doctor has never shown concern either, so I think we are good :)  I did what is probably my last workout last night, after having gone a week without I was going a little crazy, so I decided to hop on the bike last night.  While I felt better afterwards, I fully admit to being sore today.  

I have to confess too, that I am beginning to get very nervous about having a third baby.  Don't get wrong I am beyond excited too, but the realities of a third child under 4 are starting to set in.  I am extremely thankful to be with my parents until Steven comes home, because I honestly don't know how I would do it alone.  I know I would figure it out even if I weren't here, but knowing that I have help is definitely a relief.  

One thing that is helping me right now is a book I just started reading.  When I say just, I mean I just started it today.  I've read 1 chapter.  But I really like that first chapter.  It's called No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage.  I just finished a devotional of hers called Real Moms, Real Jesus, which I would highly recommend.  But anyways, this first chapter really hit home for me.  It talks about how we have to let go of the idea of being a perfect Mom and realize we are not alone in our imperfection.  She created a list of things that you are not alone it.  Some of my favorites are:

        "You are not the only mom who yelled at your children today."

        "You are not the only mom who constantly battles a weight issue."

        "You are not the only mom who is critical of her husband."

        "You are not the only mom who who can't seem to keep up with the laundry and the house."

        "You are not the only mom who sometimes wants to run away."

Her whole list is much longer.  I have read blogs like this before, but I never tire of them.  Because the truth is I do forget I'm not alone.  I look at the other moms at the store, at church, on pinterest, or on facebook and see everything all together and sometimes think why am I not like that??  But the truth is we all have our imperfect parts.  Every mom has her imperfections.  We all fall short at being able to do it all.  We all get frustrated and angry and upset.  Don't be fooled you are not alone.  

So here are my additions to the "You are not the only mom" list.

      You are not the only mom who has turned on cartoons so you can have a little quiet.

      You are not the only mom who has faked having to pee, so you can have 2 minutes to yourself.

      You are not the only mom who has sat in the bathroom crying because you just need it.

      You are not the only mom who has been in tears because you can't make the baby stop crying.

      You are not the only mom who wonders if she has enough to give to her children.

      You are not the only mom who has served hot dogs, chicken nuggets, or pancakes for dinner multiple nights in a row because you just want your child to eat.

      You are not the only mom who has left a cart full of groceries because your child is throwing a fit.

      You are not the only mom who wrestled a screaming toddler into a car seat because you wouldn't give in.

      You are not the only mom who has let their kids play too much iPad or video games because it's not worth the fight some days.

     You are not the only mom who doesn't want to read the same book for the twentieth time today.

     You are not the only mom who to promise a cookie if they will just eat the broccoli.

     You are not the only mom to look in the mirror and wonder where your old self went.

     You are not the only mom who wants a vacation, alone.

     You are not the only mom who has left the house with spit up on shirt, sometimes knowingly.

     You are not the only mom to oount the hours till bedtime.

     You are not the only mom to breathe a sigh of relief when the kids are in bed.  

     You are not the only mom to wonder how you will make it through tomorrow.

     You are not the only mom to promise a tummy ache will go away if the child will just go to sleep.

     You are not the only mom to feel like you have no idea what you are doing.  The truth that I haev discovered in my three years as a mom and from talking to other moms and dads, is that no parent knows what they are doing.  No parent gets it right every time.  We are all just faking our great knowledge with our kids some days.  Even those really great parents you see who have seemingly perfect children who are always behaved and in line will, when honest with you, tell you that is not how it always is.  Life is messy and so are kids.  

You are not alone in your frustration and hard times as a mom.  I promise.    

   

A Long Overdue Update and Reality Check

Well it has been quite a while since I have posted anything.  There are several reasons behind this, so let me start with an update as to where we are now.  Steven is currently deployed.  Things are going as well as they can be, I guess.  Not really sure how you rate how a deployment is going.  As long as the days continue to go by quickly it's good for me.  Right after Steven deployed I began the packing and moving process.  Most of our things are in a storage unit in San Diego and the girls and I are living in Indiana with my parents.  Things are going well.  It has been a definite time of transition for all of us, but we are trying to take in all in stride.  My pregnancy is going well.  I am 25+ weeks and feeling good.  Life has been busy.  And learning to handle everything without Steven here has been tough, but doable.  Having my parents and family around is definitely a blessing.  

So I can say that the busyness of life is why I haven't written in a while.  I could pretend that it was all just too much so I hadn't thought about blogging in a couple months, but honestly, that would be a lie.  I have thought about it a lot.  I often come up with topics and think of things to write, but then just don't.  

So here is the truth.  Here is what I am sure some of the people closest to me know and what I have come to accept.  While my pregnancy is going great, and I have a healthy baby boy growing inside me, I have been dealing with a lot mentally with this pregnancy.  Yes Steven leaving and handling the girls on my own has been hard, but that is not it.  My blog up until my pregnancy had been about my weight loss journey and trying to encourage people to try it for themselves to get healthy and lead a healthy life.  But once I got pregnant I didn't know how to do that anymore without thinking about my own weight gain.  

Clearly being pregnant I have gained weight.  It is inevitable for most women when you get pregnant you are going to gain at least 25lbs.  Some more, some less, and it all depends on a lot of factors.  This being my third pregnancy in 4 years I was well aware of the weight gain reality.  But when you have been losing weight for so long, seeing the numbers on the scale go up, even if for a good and right reason, is hard.  It is a challenge to look at the weight on the scale and not think "Where would I be if I weren't pregnant?"  Please by no means take this as me being unhappy with being pregnant or not wanting this baby.  I am ecstatic to be adding to our family and we always knew we would try for another child, so I knew I would gain weight.  But no one can prepare you for the mental challenges that can stem from pregnancy.  For me, it has been my weight.  For me seeing the numbers fluxuate up and down has been hard.  I have gained 18-20lbs, which is normal for where I am at.  My doctor is by no means concerned about it.  But that doesn't mean that I'm not.  I still think about calories in and out.  I still have the weight loss mind set, some days more than others.  I still workout 4-5 days a week, in a less intense form.  That is more than a lot of not pregnant people do, so I am proud of that.  I can honestly say I am still in better shape now than I was before I lost the weight, which is great.  But that doesn't mean that at times the numbers don't make me nervous.  If you have never struggled with weight issues this may seem silly to you.  You may not understand.  But I think most people, particularly women, but also men, have at some point had struggles with weight and body image.  So going from the point where I was finally feeling really great about how I was looking and feeling, to being pregnant and putting on weight has been tough.  

There are times when I think, "Well I lost 115lbs before and I hadn't just had a baby, certainly I will be able to take off the 30 or so pounds of baby weight no problem."  And then there are those days when I think "What if I can't do it again?  What if that one time was it for me and I go back to how I was before?"    I don't think I could get back to where I was.  Honestly I have come to enjoy good for you food and exercise too much to go back completely, but there is a good chance it will be harder to do this time.  That I won't bounce back as quickly as I'd like.  Because let's be honest, what women wouldn't like to have a baby and walk out of the hospital with her prebaby jeans on the next day?  Reality is there are very few women that do that. So I will set a realistic time frame for myself to really get back into it and really lose the weight, but I know it will be tough.  

You may think I am crazy, but I still weigh myself, almost everyday.  I have been doing it for over a year now, so it's almost force of habit, but it is also good for me.  I know it sounds weird that weighing yourself daily could be good for you, but let me explain.  I some days crave horrible for me food.  Food that is full of empty calories and will end up just making me feel yucky and gross.  And there are days I cave to that.  And that's okay.  Having those days every once in a while even when not pregnant is fine.  But I've had days where it has happened over and over.  And those are the times that I need a reality check.  Those are the times when I need to get on the scale and say, Oh I have gained a few pounds in a few days and that is just not healthy.  So it gives me a little kick in the butt to eat healthy and remember that I want Baby Boy to be eating the right foods too.  I do not get down on myself about it though.  Or I try not.  

So hopefully putting this out there will help me get back into blogging.  It still may be different for a while.  Well at least for another 14 or so weeks until baby boy comes.   After that we will deal with a whole different battle.  Weight loss post baby while breastfeeding, and no working out except walking for 6 weeks.  Yes even now 6 weeks without working out seems like a long time...

Oh and just for fun thought I'd throw in a picture of my baby belly today :)

Indiana here we come....

So now that's it's been out there that I am pregnant again, it's probably time for me to put it out there that the girls and I will be moving to Indiana for most of Steven's deployment. It was a really hard decision to make. I talked to many people about it and ultimately we decided for my sanity and the girls it would be best if I had more help. It also gives the girls a chance to spend more time with family and friends in Fort Wayne. I am excited for the move, and feeling semi ready for all the things I have to do before we leave. We will see how it all goes though.

I will admit I have felt Since making this decision I had to justify it to people. Like I needed to justify my weakness for needing my parents. But the truth is I don't have to justify this with anyone. I am not a weaker military wife for recognizing my need for help. I am a mom wanting to do the best thing for my kids. And right now this is best for our kids. We still have a little time before we leave and even less time before Steven leaves. So we are enjoying our time in the lovely San Diego weather for now.

As far as the rest of our lives, things are going well. Steven recently had 10 days of leave and we were able to enjoy time together having fun and getting things done. It was a busy busy leave time, but so much fun. Steven will leave soon and I will somehow learn to do this deployment thing with kids. This will be our 3rd deployment since we got married, but our first with kids, so quite a bit different this time. Thankfully kids are resilient and we have technology on our side. I know our family will thrive through this. Let's just hope Murphy's Law doesn't hit too hard in the first month. (For those who don't know it seems inevitable that every time a spouse goes on deployment bad things happen. Maybe not always big things, but a flat tire, an overflowing toilet, sick kid, something happens unexpectedly that just seems ten times worse because you don't have the one person you really want around to help.)

We've had a secret!

So we have been keeping a secret, which is why my blog has been very lacking lately. It is a good secret, but when it comes to weight loss, not so much helpful. I am pregnant again! We found out at the end of February that I am expecting our third child in November. We are thrilled to be having our third child and it has provided a whole new challenge to my healthily lifestyle.

First thing that had to happen was me stopping the Insanity workout program I was in the middle of. I will admit, I was a little sad when I had to do this. I have an intense love/hate relationship with Insanity and of course instantly when you are told you can no longer do something you instantly want to even more. But I did stop. I didn't know exactly what I could and couldn't do exercise wise while pregnant, but I did know that I could not feel like I was going to exercise to the point of passing out. Since then I have learned more about what exercises are good and not.

Next I had to start eating more. Normally when you are pregnant you don't actually have to incresase how much eat by very much in the beginning. But I was eating to lose weight, so I had to up my eating more than normal. My goal in the beginning was to just keep my weight the same. It was pretty easy to up my eating, and not the worst thing in the world to have to do. It has been a bit of a challenge though to get on the scale and not see the decreasing numbers. In the beginning I actually did still lose a couple pounds, putting me at my lowest weight thus far 165lbs. 115lbs down from where I started over a year ago. I kept my weight steady there for a while, but eventually did start to gain the little bit I had taken off.

I had to start dealing with the mental shift in gaining weight. I have not gained much, from where I was when I found out I am pregnant I am only up 1-1/2 lbs actually. But also there is a change in your body when you are pregnant. It seemed my tummy instantly went soft. I didn't really know that I had been forming abs and tightening my tummy quite a bit, but as it turns out I was and all the sudden all the firming up was gone it seemed. It was tough to make the mental shift to accepting that this is good for my body. This is what is suppose to happen. Baby is growing and so am I.

Now please don't get me wrong, I am very happy to be pregnant again. We are ecstatic to meet our new son or daughter and grow our family. We are blessed to be able to get pregnant and while I have morning sickness on and off all day I have had a very easy pregnancy so far. But I have had some challenges this time I didn't with my first 2 pregnancies. I didn't care then how much weight I gained, or how much I was eating or if I was getting in exercise. It just wasn't part of my life like it is now. It been a shift for me. And I am enjoying it and taking it all in and trying to stay healthy all at the same time. I will admit though it is nice to have that extra little helping at dinner and bit of ice cream and not worry if it is going to set back my weight loss.

So my blog will change for a bit. No more weight loss, but now more healthy eating and learning how to control my cravings and stay healthy for our baby. Oh and we have lots of other big changes coming. A deployment, temporary move, preschool, a new baby, and another move. The rest of 2013 will be busy!

Decisions Decisions

Why is it that every time there is one big decision to make it seems there are a ton of other littles ones that come along and then eventually another big one? We have a couple big decisions going on right now. Nothing life changing and in the long run these things probably won't seem like a huge deal, but it's still hard. The bigger dilemma is that each final decision is going to be made by just one of us. One by Steven and one by myself. My decision I have been praying about and seeing some clarity in what needs done. Steven's choice is new and likely needs to be made in the next couple days. And yes in typical Navy style his has come up while we can only email.

It's funny while each decision is hard, I am actually thankful for each situation. They each have pros and cons but in the end will all work out no matter what we do. That doesn't mean that I don't want to break down and cry about them both, but at least I see the good in each situation. Sorry to be so nondescript about what is going on. I'm sure eventually I will be able to reveal everything, but not now. I can tell you this though, a year ago getting in shape seemed like a huge decision, it seemed like the hardest decision I had to made to change my lifestyle and now it is my everyday life. It is not a question if I am going to workout, the question is how many times this week. That feels great. I recently read that only 20% of Americans exercise regularly. I have to admit I am proud to be in that 20% now. And I am now down 115lbs because of my one big decision.

Pray about big decision. Pray about even ones that seem little. If you are confused pray. God will help guide you. Each night I pray with the girls before bed time and since Mady is still little I tell her that God wants to hear all the things we are thankful for from that day. So she prayed "Thank you God for milkshakes, and chocolate and the sun." I couldn't help but smile and laugh a little, but let's be honest I am extremely thankful for chocolate too :)

My typical Breakfast

My goodness it's been a while since I have blogged. Well I have decided to really start going into one thing I get asked about a lot with my weight loss. How do I eat? What do I eat? I promise I do eat. I just finished a frozen strawberry fruit bar. It was delicious by the way. Anyways, I thought I would get more specific than I have been about what exactly I eat which could maybe inspire others to eat a little healthier or add a few more fruits and vegetables to your meals.

Today I'll start with breakfast, since it is the first and most importnatn meal of the day. Admittedly I used to skip breakfast frequently. Especially in high school and college, but now I am religious about eating breakfast. I'm sure you know it is important because eating will start up your metabloism. It starts your day right or wrong. Skipping breakfast, clearly a bad way to start. But so is starting your day with something completely unhealthy. This doesn't mean that you need to eat all fruit and eggs all the time for breakfast, but it does mean to try to make your breakfast somewhat healthy. Starting your day with healthy eating can carry you through the day. It can give you energy. It can give you a good moment of eating to look back on and think see I can do this.

Okay, so I have a few go to breakfasts, I don't eat these every single day and I change things up, but for the sake of argument, yes I have pretty consistent breakfasts that I eat. One of my favorites is 3 egg whites scramled, either 1 piece of whole wheat toast or a whole wheat bagel thin and a piece of fruit. Its a good healthy breakfast that keeps my tummy full until about midmorning when I will have a little snack. I used to think it was hard to get up and make eggs every morning, but in all reality it takes like 5 minutes to go from no eggs to fully cooked and scramble eggs. Yes you can make them in the microwave too, but it's not my favorite way to do it. I use just egg whites to save on calories. I really have no other good reason. I know there are cholesterol things with eggs, I don't have cholesterol problems though, so I tend not to pay too much attention to that.

My next go to breakfast is instant oatmeal, 1 piece of turkey bacon and a piece of fruit. Oatmeal is good for you (I'm not exactly sure why, but it is) and it's easy to make. I am not an oatmeal lover, but I have found one way to make me like it more is to add a few chocolate chips. Okay I know this isn't the healthiest thing in the world to do, and if you are suseptible to keep eating sweets after starting, it may not be the best thing to do, but for me it has helped me to get into oatmeal, and I am trying to use less chips. Like literally 3 chocolate chips, I figure it can't be that bad for me. I do love bacon. It's not great for you, but I figure one piece of turkey bacon isn't that horrible and it provides protein!

My last common breakfast is cereal. I know, nothing fancy here, but sometimes when you are trying to get out the door early and you have the kids whining you just gotta do quick. My recent cereal obsession is Chex cereal. Have you seen all the flavors they have. Love them! And please don't tell me if they aren't great for you, I have it like once a week, it's not that bad. A big thing to remember with cereal is portion control. It's easy to pour a bowl and think it isn't that much, when in all reality it can be more than you want. I used to measure my cereal out. I can now eyeball it, but yes i would measure it so I could know exactly how many calories I was having.

So those are my breakfast go tos. I do love other kids of breakfasts too, especially a good breakfast casserole, which i actually have in my fridge right now. I made it for dinner and it is delicious. It is a lower calorie version of one my mom used to make every Christmas morning. Want the recipe?? Check it out here http://www.eat-yourself-skinny.com/2012/03/breakfast-casserole.html

Being a better Mom

So I have never really participated fully in Lent. I did not grow up in a Catholic or Lutheran church, so I never did it. It didn't seem like a big deal to me. A few times I have tried things like giving up chocolate or sweets, I never really was successful at it though. But I also never really felt like that was something that God wanted me to do. But I do know that God wants me to be a better parent. He wants us all to be better parents. To be the best that we can. SO I set out to find some things that I can do to be a better Mom. So here is my little list of things I am trying to do to be the best Mom I can.

1. Yell less. I am not a big yeller. I never really have been. Steven and I don't have huge screaming matches or anything like that. But have you ever had a 2 year old? They don't listen to a darn thing you say sometimes. And it gets frustrating. And in frustration at times I will yell. But I am trying not to. I am trying to stay calmer and take a breath before I get to that point. I am not always successful. But it is helping. There are times that I think yelling is appropriate. LIke to warn of danger or call them if they are running away or something like that. But outside of those times, I am trying not to yell.

2. Put away the technology and to do list and play more. I will admit and I think a lot of honest parents will admit as well, that I am guilty of at times being on my phone or computer when it isn't really necessary. My children deserve my attention. And I make a decision to give it to them or not. So I am making the decision more and more to give it to them. To play more. To teach more. I ignore my phone more. I have turned off the TV and gone outside more. I engage more with my kids and its fun.

3. Let go more. Let my kids get dirty. Care less about whether their clothes match and more about letting them make decisions. Give them more opportunity to make decisions of their own. Yes they are only 2 & 1/2 and 1 &1/2, but they can still make simple decisions. Let them help more. This means at times that the dishes don't get put away exactly how I want or basic chores like sweeping take longer, but it does mean they are learning to help.

So I'm trying. I'm putting in an effort. Which I think at times as a Mom that's the most important thing. Even if your kids aren't in perfectly matching clothes with the perfect bow and shoes. If they are laughing and having fun and learning the right things from you, you are doing something right.

Feeling Good!

Well a couple days ago I was stuck in the 170s but I broke through that! I am happy to say I am down to 169lbs (111lbs down)! This seems big to me because of my next big goal. It may seem like a weird goal, but I think there are others who can understand.

So what is this next goal...I want to weigh less than my husband. Steven is a skinny guy, I have fattened him up a bit since we got married, but he is just one of those people that can eat whatever and not gain a pound. I know, darn him! So it's my upcoming goal and being in the 160s seems important for that because that is typically where Steven is. So I am feeling much closer to it!

I am also excited to be nearly halfway through with my second round of Insanity. I have one workout left until I get a rest week. I have learned some things in the past month of Insanity. The big ones being I workout best at night and I like "fighting" types of workouts. I love punches, kicks and such. So I am looking into MMA style workouts to do next. Crazy sounding, I know. But I think they look fun. And I think I could do it. I also have like 3 other workout DVDs and programs I am wanting to do, so I should stay pretty busy with them. Which is great to keep off the weight and keep losing!

This is a picture of me this morning! And an unnecessary of my girls, just because they are cute!

Getting Stuck

Okay so I haven't been blogging much recently and I feel like my lack of writing is directly related to my hard time losing weight. Recently I felt a bit at a stand still with my weight. I have been stuck around the 172lb mark. That is not bad, it is a long way from where I came, but it isn't where I want to end, so I know I can lose more. It is normal to hit a bump in the road when it comes to weight. It's normal to get stuck, but I haven't really gotten stuck yet. So this has been tough. I wouldn't say it is a plateau, I haven't been stuck on one weight for that long, I like to just think of it as stuck.

So I haven't written about it much because i didn't feel like it was a very fun thing to read about, but the truth is it's a real part of weight loss. This happens to not just me, but everyone at some point. This is real life, it's what just happens. So I want to talk about it a little. I know for me what it is, I know why I am stuck. It's my own fault. It's my eating. I have been working out great, keeping up with Insanity and it is still kicking my butt. Every time I still want to collapse afterwards, so I gotta be working pretty hard. But my eating has suffered.

I have gotten comfortable with my eating. Too comfortable. Around the holidays I would allo myself to have a little extra food or extra dessert so I didn't feel like I was missing out. Unfortunately that has kind of continued in a not great way. I have still been losing weight since the holidays, but its been harder. I've noticed myself feeling more worn down at the end of the day when it's time to workout. And I know it's because I've been eating too much junk. I will think to myself, well I am going to workout tonight, so I'll have an extra cookie. And doing that once a day isn't horrible, but doing it many times throughout the day, isn't the best.

Stress has also played a big role in my poor eating. In the past I have always turned to food for comfort in stressful times. I always found that a big piece of cake or some some chocolate could help me feel better. Well not really, but temporarily. Changing those habits are hard. It's hard to teach yourself not to just turn to food because you are stressed or sad. And trust me recently I've had lots of reasons to be stressed or sad, and I've tried eating and it just makes me feel worse. The next day whenI get on the scale and see no progress or weight gain I then will get a little down. Its just a vicious cycle. So I am putting in extra effort this week to eat better. Yesterday I ate more fruit and veggies, which for me is really key in weight loss. Keeping my belly full of good for you food, helps me stay away from the not great food.

Try not to let a little time of stuck get your down too much. It happens to everyone. Just this morning I was super excited to see I unexpectedly finally got to a lower weight. 171lbs. I was so happy I did my happy dance on the scale. Yes I have a little dance I do on the scale when I lose weight. Laugh if you want (it actually is funny), but it make sit a little more fun!

Out with the Old

So there are lots of great things about losing weight. One not great thing is the need for new clothes all the time. Okay it's not so bad going shopping, but when you know clothes aren't going to fit for that long, it's hard to want to spend money on them. So I usually stretch things. Especially jeans. I had been wearing jeans that were about a size too big and didn't realize how bad they looked and how much bigger they made me look until I wore a pair that were the right size.

The need for getting new clothes also comes with the need to get rid of clothes all the time. I have done 2 big purges of clothes and now have a laundry basket where I just put clothes now that need given away. It's kinda sad though. I recently tried on a dress that I have only worn a few times, I have it for probably 5 or more years. It's a little low cut and definitely not an everyday dress, but I had been keeping it thinking at some point I would have an occasion to wear it. But I tried it on and it is just far too big to even try to keep it. Honestly I have like 5 dresses hanging in my closet, but only 1 really fits. I just keep some to make it seem like i have more. Not for anyone else, just for myself. If I was being really honest with myself I would probably get rid of like half the clothes that are in my closet. But there aren't that many, and it would probably make me sad.


Its hard to get rid of clothes sometimes though. Its a mental war. It's like committing to being a smaller size. It's saying I will not gain that weight back. I will not get back to that point to wear those clothes. And the smaller the clothes I throw out, the harder it is. It was easy to get rid of the XXL clothes, I hated that size. The XL were a little harder and I still have a few, but still I was proud to be able to do it. Jeans are even harder. I have kept a pair of my biggest size, just to remind myself of how far I have come. I am currently wearing 12/14s and I am struggling to get rid of my 18s and 16s. I need to do it. While it is hard it also helps. It gives me no back up. I don't want to go back to those sizes, so I just need to do it.

Is there something you are trying to change in your life but you have been keeping a fall back? Something that will help you slip back into your old routines if you need? For me it would be easier to gain the weight back if I didn't have to face the music and buy bigger pants. So looks like I will be donating some clothes soon :)

Oh and this is my closet. See not that many clothes (it used to be completely packed full of clothes, now there is lots of extra space). And I can count like 10 of those shirts that I need to donate.

Having 1 cookie

I recently searched the Internet for things that change when you lose a large amount of weight. I was really looking for other people's blog and their personal experiences. What I found a lot of were articles written by people who clearly had never lost a large amount of weight, talking about your boost in confidence and overall health being better. It's not that those articles are wrong, but there is so much more to it than you can know if you've never done it.

I did find one blog that actually made me extremely sad for the person who wrote it. The woman was from the UK and her blog was about how she has lost weight. This particular entry she was writing about the changes that had happened since she lost weight. The thing that was sad were all the negative things she was writing about. Some of the things she talked about I could understand, but the rest made me sad for her. She talked about how she would crave things like cookies and never have them because she didn't want to gain an ounce, but then she would and she would just binge on them all day long. I completely understand craving something and feeling like you can't have it, but if you want something that badly, have a cookie. One cookie isn't going to hurt you that much. But when you have a binge on cookies that can make you not only gain a little weight, but feel so guilty. Then she talked about how all she thought about and talked about all the time was her weight loss and what she was going to eat and how she couldn't eat certain things. Trust me when you are i the middle of losing weight, it is all you think about sometimes. There are times I would kill to not think about the calories in the next meal I was going to have, or whether I was going to work out that night so I could have 2 cookies instead of 1. But It is not all I think about or all I talk about. Your life has to have fullness to it. It cannot revolve around losing weight or any one goal really. You need to be happy and working on all the areas of your life. Don't narrow yourself so much that all you can see is one part of your life and how it is going.

It's Valentine's Day week! I have treats that we are going to make this week and I excited to have a little of all of them (except the dog treats), and then give most of them away! Be ready for treat bags, neighbors!! Oh and did anyone see the Grammy's last night? I saw all of like 5 minutes, but I did see Kelly Rowland's "dress". I mean really people, put some clothes on!

1 year later

This post was supposed to be posted a few days ago, but there have been 2 deaths in my family this week and it just made it hard to write something happy. But after all the sadness I have seen and heard recently, I think some happy would be okay.

A year ago I made a decision to change my life. And it actually stuck. 108lbs later I can honestly say I am very proud of myself. And there have been a lot of changes. Big things, little things, lots of changes. So here are some. Please know that even the small things seem big sometimes :)

*I can walk up the stairs or even jog up the stairs without losing breath.
*I can jog. I can jog a mile plus some.
*I have confidence that I can complete almost any workout that you through at me. I may not be perfect and I may have to catch my breath a lot, but I can do it.
*Almost all of my clothes are different (except my pajamas, yes I need new pajamas)
*My tennis shoes have actually worn out. Like my pinky toe is nearly coming through them. I don't think I've ever done that. Yes Mom, I am getting new tennis shoes.
*I can pick up 2 toddlers without much struggle. A year ago I had a hard time picking up one toddler and one infant.
*I have muscles, okay they aren't big and you really really have to look, but I do have muscles in my arms.
*I don't look awkward in a sports bra and workout clothes.
*I have a waist.
*A regular bath towel wraps all the way around me. No gap in the front.
*I don't feel the urge to eat an entire box of cookies. Maybe a few, but not the whole box.
*I enjoy eating fruits and vegetables. Lots of them.
*This may be TMI, especially for guys, but my period is extremely regular, for the first time ever.
*People don't look at me because I am the biggest girl in the room.
*My wedding ring needs resized for the 2nd time.
*I can buy clothes at almost any store. Before I had to make sure the store had plus sizes.
*I often see those weight loss or workout infomercials and people on them are boasting of the large amount of weight they lost and I always think "wow that's awesome, they look so different", I then realize that I have lost that much or more weight!
*My "skinny" workout pants are starting to fall off of me.
*My life doesn't revolve around the next thing I am going to eat.
*I cross my legs all the time, because it is so much easier and not uncomfortable anymore!
*I look forward to that I'm about to puke or pass out feeling while working out. That is actually the feeling I go for at the end of a workout. I don't actually do those things, but I love getting to the point where I think I might.
*I now know that at the end of the day if I eat well I will have energy and not be exhausted after the girls are in bed. But if I eat poorly, I feel like falling asleep and doing nothing the rest of the night. Working out at night is much better if you aren't falling over tired.
*I can see my hip bones and the clavicle stands out. Weird yes, but I've never had that before.
*I suggest we do active things on the weekends!
*i can climb on the playground equipment without fear it will break! I even fit down slides!
*I can keep up with my kids at the playground!

Overall I am very happy with all the things I have accomplished. And the things I can now do. I have even gotten 30 workouts in this year (the 2nd round of insanity is kicking my butt right now). Only 170 more for the year! Oh and just yesterday I bought size 12 jeans! Half the size of where I began a year ago!

I must be crazy

A couple weeks ago I had a crazy idea. Okay its not crazy, but it kinda is. I have started Insanity again. I started on Saturday and I decided this time I will only do 5 times a week. If you follow the calendar with the program it is 6 times a week. But 5 times will be effective too. I told my mom about this yesterday and she asked me why I was going to do it again and I thought it was a good question. I had to think for a minute. Why am I choosing to do this again. Well In the 4 weeks that I took off from doing it, I still lost weight and I still worked out and I felt good. It was really nice to be able to choose what workouts I wanted to do. But I kept coming back to insanity workouts. I found myself wanting to do it. Yep I know that is crazy. But I think other people that have done the whole Insanity program will agree. It is is kind of addicting. I think its the results too. I loved my results from the program. It wasn't just the weight loss, it was the way my whole body changed. It's the curves that I got. The little muscles in my arms. The way clothes started to fit better. I enjoy those results.

Now please don't think that I am advising everyone does Insanity, I am not. It is a hard program and not for everyone. But I do think it is important to find a workout or different workouts that you enjoy doing. Even if maybe you hate it during the workout. I hate squat jumps and power jumps and and suicide jumps, they all suck, but they are effective. When we started Insanity the first time I didn't think I could do it. I thought after a couple weeks I would be done. It was a huge challenge but I did it the first time and I know I can do it again. And it has given me the confidence to know I can do other workouts. I have even picked out the program I want Steven to get me for my birthday already. I'm going to do it during deployment so I can be a total hottie when he gets back :)

I even took measurements this time so I can see my results in inches this time! It's the first time I have take measurements at all since beginning this. I of course wish they were lower, but I know that over the last year they have decreased a lot, so I keep that in mind. And I know they are going to get smaller!

I didn't workout...

I didn't workout last night. I had planned on working out all day. I didn't eat completely the greatest yesterday, so I should have worked out, but I didn't. It was a great decision. Instead of working out I ate ice cream and popcorn, watched Modern Family and Burn Notice and spent time with my husband. It was great. Yes this morning I had gained a little weight, but I don't feel bad about it. Our lives have gotten a little crazy lately. We have a lot going on and stress levels are high. So when Steven got home before dinner last night I was relieved and extremely happy to see him. I told him I planned on working out after the girls were in bed, and he said that was fine. But sometimes as a wife you know when it's not. I don't ever want my family to think that working out is more important than them. My husband and children and the most important people in my life. I wanted to make sure that Steven knew that. So after I put Mady in bed I told him I wasn't going to workout. I was going to hang out with him. I think I surprised him. This isn't the first time ever that I have not worked out, I always take one night off a week, but usually it is planned. Usually we have a plan for the night and we won't eat anything crazy, because I won't want to add the extra calories, but last night we did. I was the one who said Baskin Robbins sounded good. And when he suggested popcorn, I agreed to do both.

Working out and eating right is important. I will continue to do both things to help me lose weight, but I never want my family to miss out on me because of them. When I told Steven that working out was not going to replace spending time with him he said "Really?" That broke my heart. I am lucky right now that he gets to come home, even if it just for a few hours and isn't every night. There are many guys on his ship that are away from their families and will not see them for the next year. So don't take your family for granted. Sometimes you have to do something small but unexpected to show them you care.

My Food Rules

First off, I just had this whole post almost completely written and then the stupid thing kicked off. Ugh! This is why you save save save, I know. Anyways I want to share my 2 food rules that I have for myself. Yeah its a little weird to have food rules, but I do. And I don't follow them to a T. Maybe I should say call the guidelines. I don't know.

1. If I want vegetables or fruit that are prepared or served in a healthy way (meaning not covered in cheese or dipped in chocolate) I eat it. If I want an orange or an extra helping of vegetables at dinner, even if I have used up all my calories I have it. These are foods that are good for you. You need to eat them. You have to eat fruits and veggies. Find ones you like, try different kiinds of preparations, Eat them! And eat as many as you want. It will or should help you not eat all the other things that we don't need. Maybe you will find a fruit you like as much as chocolate (if you do, let me know). Or you could realize you don't need to make potatoes, pasta, or rice with every dinner, because you make extra veggies you have leanred to love.

2. Now this one has to be a little more flexible, but I try to eat fruits, vegetables, and lean meats or protein first on my plate. So if we have chicken, broccoli, zucchini, and mac n cheese for dinner, I will eat the first three things first, then just have a small helping of mac n cheese, if I want it. Sometimes i don't, sometimes I will go with rule 1 and get more veggies. I try to do this even if we are having pizza (a favorite around here). Most of the time I will have a salad with low calorie dressing before I eat my pizza. Oh and I typically just put one piece on my plate and the pizza stays on the counter. So if I want more I have to get up to get it and really think about it.

Those are my 2 food rules. I do also have one workout rule. Do it. Workout. If you can't or want to start slower just move your body in some way. Walk, do pushups, jumping jacks, stairs. Something. Move your body!!

I could just leave you with that, but this is my blog and I want to remind everyone of how cute my kids are. (Despite the incessant whining and tantrums that happened today)

Am I happier??

First off I apologize for my lack of new posts recently. I feel like I have just been busy with lots lately. I usually will think about blogging, then end up in the middle of something else. But I am going to try to do better. I promise.

Anyways, so I have been asked lots of questions about my weight loss. My parents asked me some good ones while they visited this weekend and that got me to thinking about some of the other things people have asked and wondered. So I am going to address just one of those today. To me it's an interesting question with an answer that may be kind of surprising.

Am I happier now?

When I was asked this question originally I was kind of thrown off. Am I happier? Am I happier with what? With myself? With my life? With my health? With my body? So I have thought about it. And here is the truth. I was pretty happy before. I have a great husband and 2 beautiful daughters who are hands down the greatest source of joy in my life. I think any good parent would say that. So I was very happy with my family, although some things have changed and there are some ways that I am happier. I have talked before about how I was battling some baby blues after having Brynn and losing weight did help me get out of that, but I don't think I would say that losing weight has directly made me happier with my family. I can run and play more, which my kids like, so maybe they are happier, but I truly was happy with my family before.

Happier with my health and body? Well I am definitely happier with the fact that I can walk up stairs and run and workout without wanting to die. I like that clothes fit better and I can buy from stores I couldn't before. I haven't had a physical in a while, but I am sure that I am in better physical condition than before. I know that i am healthier, so this area, I would say yes I am happier with.

Happier with myself? This is a harder question. Well not so much harder, just different. To me I am the same person I was a year ago. The 280lb Megan is not that much different than the 180lb Megan. I loved myself before. I thought I was a pretty great person before all of this I was happy with things I had accomplished in life. Before this I looked in the mirror and while I knew I needed to lose weight, that didn't mean I loved myself any less. I even thought I was pretty attractive. I am and have always been smart, funny (okay thats up for debate), and a kind person. Losing 100lbs does not change that about a person. Losing weight is not going to make a mean cold hearted person all the sudden and pleasant lovely person to be around. That isn't how it works. Losing weight can change a lot about a person, but it will not change who you are.

If you want to do this, if you want to make a big life change, you have to love yourself first. You have to be happy first. Because losing 20, 50, 100lbs, isn't going to change everything. Yes it can make you happier with your body and your health and perhaps will help change other things, but if you aren't happy with yourself first, you are never even going to want to make these changes. Or they won't stick at least. Love yourself first. Be happy with who you are first. In the mirror I still see the same Megan from before. The same Megan from college, high school, elementary school. I am still the same person. More grown up, yes, but the same person my parents taught me to love as a child.

So am I happier? We'll go with a yes and no on that one.

100lbs!

I am still in shock myself to be able to say I have lost 100lbs. I knew it was coming but still surprised I actually did it. I have always had the goals to get it done, but have never been able to stick with it till now.

Tomorrow I will write about how I've done it, although its not super interesting, but for now, I have some numbers and fun facts to share about my weight loss. I think they are fun at least, so I hope you do too!

Want to be able to comprehend a little more how much 100lbs is. Here are some things that weigh or add to 100lbs.

*A 2 month old foal, yep a horse. That makes me laugh that I've lost a small horse.
*5 car tires
*4 two year olds, for us it is a Mady + a Brynn + an Oso (the dog) + another 2 year old
*2 small bales of hay
*About 12 gallons of milk

So 100lbs is nothing to scoff at. Want some more fun numbers, I like numbers. I've always liked math.
*My highest weight without being pregnant was 295lbs (Sept 2009) and BMI 46%
*Starting Stats from this journey (Febraury 2012) Weight 280lbs and BMI 43.8%
*Current Weight 180lbs and BMI 28.2%
*Starting pant size was a 24, which I had been wearing for probably 5 or so years.
*Current pant size 12/14, which I haven't worn since like 8th or 9th grade I think, so probably 13 years ago. Which I just realized is half my life ago. Wow.
*Shirt Size before XL/XXL
*Shirt Size now M/L (okay I have bought one M sweater, but I am pretty proud of that)

And yes I am slightly embarrassed to put those numbers out there, but seeing how far I have come, I feel really good about it. To get a better view of my progress I decided to take some more pictures. There are a few before and after pictures, and also one picture of me in my size 24 pants and my size 24 wedding dress.

Feb 2012 - 280lbs, Jan 2013 - 180lbs

No way I could wear those 24s now!

This dress was literally only staying on because of the halter. I think It will need taken in a little.

What's my next goal, how much more do I have to go?? I'm not sure actually. I want to lose more weight, because I know I can and I will be healthier if I do. I also know I will eventually figure out exactly how much I want to lose, but at this point I just want to get to a point where I feel healthy and comfortable with where I am. We'll see when that happens, but for now I will keep working out 4-6times a week and eating well. With a little added chocolate in there, because I truly believe everyone needs chocolate in their life :)

My New Goals!

It's a New Year, which mean new year resolutions. I'm more of a goal girl myself, resolution just sounds like something hard to do, so I call them my new goals. I know some people think it is silly to make new goals or resolutions, but have you ever done it? Have you ever actually made real goals that you think are attainable, but will require work, and written them down and put in the effort to do it? If you have, great, I'm sure even if you didn't complete your goal, you feel good about your effort. If you haven't, give it a try. Write down one thing, it could be something that seems small even, but try. Maybe it will make you a better person and you will find new joy from it.

Last year was the first time I actually wrote down goals and put in effort. Yep it took me all of January to come up with actual legitimate goals and get up the nerve to begin trying. Why did I have to work up the nerve? I was afraid of failing. (And I was dealing with baby blues issues.) So you don't have start right now with your goal, think about it. Actually think about something you want to do and accomplish. I wanted to get healthy and lose weight. To do that I had to take several steps and realize that what I needed to do was make whole lifestyle changes. Maybe you don't have to do quite that much. Maybe you just need to start saving $100 a month, or sign up for a class, or read. But what is holding you back from doing it, from setting goals for yourself. I've seen many people who have said they don't make resolutions, which is fine. Less than half of the people in the US do. And less than that keep it. But why not make a goal for yourself for this year. Or even this month. Why not start small. Want to read more? Make a goal to read a couple books this month. I have also seen people who say they want to just be a better person and at church this week I was reminded that making resolutions to help others is important. So if you say you want to just do better, make a goal. Decide you want to help one person or volunteer once a month. Do it. Write it down. Make an effort. And yes your goals can change. Life happens, and things change. You have to be willing to make changes to accomplish your goals sometimes.

Last January I spent time and wrote down goals. I had different categories and different goals within each. Eventually I decided that I would focus my efforts on one area and really make it work. Thanks to to that, I lost 97lbs in 11 months. It wasn't just because I wrote it down, but because I wrote down a goal that I honestly thought with work I could accomplish I put in effort and I did it. I did more than I thought I could. So this year I have new goals. Some are specific, some are still more general. I like specific goals though. So my less specifics goals, I am going to take time and see how things go and then try to narrow them down. A lot of my goals are pretty normal for people, and that's okay.

2013 Goals
*Lose more weight to get to a point where I feel healthy and comfortable. (I do now, but I feel like I could lose more still and be healthier)
*Workout 200 times
*Run and entire 5k
*Read 25 books
*Find something to enjoy for myself to make me a better person (see very general still)
*Stick to a budget
*Save more money/Pay off Mazda
*Finish some unfinished projects (I have started a whole long list of mostly little things, but still things that are unfinished)
*Finally get my house organized (harder to do with toddlers)
*Play more, worry less
*Help people (looking into specific ways that are good for our family to do)

I have more, but you don't need to now every single thing I want to do this year. I do challenge you though. Try making a goal. Don't be intimidated. And try to think of how your goal can help others. Even trying to make goal happen can make you feel good.